A lot of times when I saw all those posts and photos, or knowing that other people are hanging out with their friends, knowing them having people around them to have their laughter busters, having fun in urban life in places that I couldn't even reach, having a Holy Ghost party in their church, I suddenly felt like an 'extra' in the world. Not only did I feel not belong in my own current church, not only did I can't fit in my own environment, I just feel no one around me needed me at all in Malaysia. The church doesn't need me, the cell group doesn't need me. The people around me doesn't need me either. My family doesn't need me. Even my job doesn't need me. A lot of times I think the bf doesn't need me too. I'm just an extra wherever I am, in Malaysia. And again will I come back to this question, "God, why am I here in Malaysia? With my life SO boring, with my life SO purposeless and being SO lonely ALL the time? Why was I so happy every single day when I was in Melbourne? Why was I SO excited to go church and urban life, so excited to even be with them; and when I came back, this land seems to be like a wilderness to me? Worse of all, I seems to be going through this life all by myself? Why people call me only when they need me to do something for them or for their benefits, why people call me only to ask if I'm going to cell group but doesn't even interested in going through life together; and for me, when I need accompany, need help, need friends, I seems to be very alone? Even if I asked, I was often judged, always left out and never in the priority in their minds." All these thoughts have been running in my mind for almost 3 years.
With my health breakdown, I guessed mainly is from my mental breakdown. Lord, is it because of all these stresses in life? Should I even leave consider to leave this land to a land that can make my life and myself even healthy, physically and mentally? I am always known as a daring girl who is daring enough to make decision to change my whole life. Do I lose that daringness already? What am I fearful for? What is holding me back? I am really willing to give up ANYTHING to have a happy life. Lord. Anything! I seems to be at a crossroad of something...
A gazillion times that I wanted to leave this 'stupid hopeless rude people' land, and flee to an oversea world with more friendly people. A gazillion times that I had always wanted to dedicate my life to God, and totally leave Malaysia just for Bible school in the church that I can fit in. Lord, can I really do this? I am really not happy coming back to Malaysia. So not happy.
But one thing that changed in me now is, nothing matters when dwelling in God's presence and having God near me is BIG for me. I once felt frustrated when the bf doesn't call or contact me, I once felt frustrated when I felt so left out and useless in my ministry even in my current church, I once felt frustrated when no one is friendly enough to even be interested to make friends with me. I once felt so not usable in my own company, I once felt envy when my parents are biased towards my siblings but I was only being used and the list goes on. Even when bundle of tears flowing on my sleeping pillow because of my disappointment in life, when I sensed that God is watching me sleep and cried together with me when I cried, that He even counted the tears that I have shed even until today, I feel contended. Being just a Mary but not Martha is the key for this season of my life. None of the issues that made me frustrated before affected me anymore either. Everything became so meaningless, all those frustrations are meaningless if I don't have a God with me. I once thought I was feelingless or immune already, only that I realised nothing can be even more important than having God with me, not even church or ministry.
It's indeed in God alone, I know I'm loved by Him alone and that's enough, in God alone I'm satisfy in His love, in God alone, I know He is the one who is most interested in me, in God alone, all my thirsts are all quenched, in God alone, I know all my hunger will be fulfilled and filled to the full and even overflowing, in God alone, I know with His One touch, every burden fell off my shoulders, with His One touch, every mountain swept away. Now, goodbye guilt and shame, He's overcame the grave. I lift the name of Jesus higher!!
